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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a..m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex

Odering pizza in 2020. Click here.

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

golf rules: -
-If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
-If your opponent hasn't played the course before, don't be a spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.
- The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be regarded as his opening offer.
- The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
- Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

So, Let's Recap "2009".........what a year!
1. The American people inaugurate a half-arab president with a total of 142 days experience as a US Senator from the most politically corrupt state (city) in America whose governors have been ousted from office. The President's first official act is to order the close of Gitmo and make sure terrorists civil rights are not violated. (honest mistake?)

2. The U.S. Congress rushes to confirm a black Attorney General, Eric Holder, whose law firm we later find out represents seventeen Gitmo Terrorists. (An honest mistake?!)

3. The CIA Boss appointee, Leon Panetta, has absolutely no experience, has a daughter Linda, we find out, who is a true radical anti-American activist and a supporter of all the Anti-American regimes in the western hemisphere. (There were socio-economic factors involved!)

4.. We got the second most corrupt American woman (Pelosi is #1) as Secretary of State; bought and paid for. (You can put lipstick on a pig, but it still stinks!)

5. We got a Tax Cheat for Treasury Secretary who did not properly file his own taxes for 12 years. (He misspoke!)

6. A Commerce Secretary nominee who withdrew due to corruption charges. (Another honest mistake???)

7. A Tax cheat nominee for Chief Performance Officer who withdrew under charges. (Hmmm... another screw-up?)

8. A Labor Secretary nominee who withdrew under charges of unethical conduct. (Ok, maybe this person was just plain stupid.)

9. A Secretary HHS nominee (Daschle) who withdrew under charges of cheating on his taxes. (I'm running out of excuses for these idiots!!)

10. Multiple appointments of former lobbyists after an absolute campaign statement that no lobbyists would be appointed. (Dear God, I am getting a headache!)

11. Passed no significant legislation. (Lack of know-how, just ignorant)

All this occurred just during the first three weeks. . . but who's counting? America is being run by the modern-day Three Stooges ; Barry, Nancy and Harry and they are still trying to define stimulus..."it's spending!!!" The congress passes the $800,000,000,000 (that's $800 billion) pork-loaded spending bill where the government gives you a smidgen of your tax dollars ($13 per week), making you feel so good about yourself [stimulated], that you want to run out to Wal-Mart and buy a new Chinese-made HDTV and go home and watch Telemundo! Only with the Liberals... Pray for our country. Here's the good news though - Obama took Air Force One to Denver to sign the stimulus package, wasting as much as 10,000 gallons of fuel OR 24 JOBS FOR ONE YEAR. Don't you just love hypocrites? Obama went to the International Olympic Committee to have them choose Chicago for a host city, he failed. Obama went to Copenhagen to lecture them on global warming, he failed. Obama went to new Jersey to promote the Democratic candidate for governor, he failed, Obama went to Virginia to promote the Democratic candidate for governor, he failed. Obama went to Massachusetts to promote the Democratic candidate for senator, he failed. Speaking of praying, Obama has now been president for a full year and yet he & wife (first lady) Michelle, the Christian family they claim to be, have not attended church since the inauguration. Obama is the 1st president in history who did not attend any Christmas religious observance. He must miss Reverend Wright! And finally, he is the 1st president to remain on vacation after a terrorist attack. In these times 'I'll keep my God, my freedom, my gun and my money. Anyone that supports this insanity can keep "THE CHANGE".

Held over from last week
US Navy Presidential Ceremonial Honor Guard Drill Team. Click here.

golf rules: -
-The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit the do-over first.
- Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.
- One good shank deserves another.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always >look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Held over from last week
Golf Shot of The Century. Click here

golf rules: -
-You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you're three holes down with three to play.
- Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
- Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.
- No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

Importance of a true handicap........ A businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here." That's why you should never lie about your handicap!!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from Getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what is going on. Then scroll down to see the answer..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are all about to sneeze!

THE DENTIST APPOINTMENT. Click here.

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe.' The next thing I knew I was fired.”

Cheese commercial. Click here.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month -- wife knows everything.

TIC- TAC-TOE. Click here.

golf rules: -
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game.
- It if ain't broke, try changing your grip.

HowtoEnjoyAColonoscopy